but what exactly does that mean?
Published on July 28, 2007 By straniera In Life
I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
~Bethany Dillon, “Beautiful”

“But no matter how much I asserted my strength and independence as a woman,
My heart as a woman remained empty…
I didn’t want to be a man.
What does it mean to be a woman?”
~Stasi Eldredge

“I feel like a household appliance”

“The church has not been a big help here. The church has been part of the problem. Its message to women has been primarily ‘you are here to serve…in the nursery, in the kitchen, on committees, in your home, in your community.’ Think about women you meet at church. They’re trying to live up to some kind of model of femininity….you’d have to conclude that a godly woman is…tired.
And guilty.
We’re all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, ‘The Proverbs 31 Woman,’ whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that yet again we don’t measure up.”
~Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul

I have struggled with my femininity for a long time. My husband and I often joke that I am a man trapped in a woman’s body! Sounds sick, but it mainly comes from our experiences in the church and then in both American and Italian society. Every once in awhile I get a chance to truly use my gifts and express myself and that is very freeing. Then something or (more often) someone brings me smashing back to reality and I am reminded to stay inside my “woman box.”

I know not all of you come from a church background, but I think we can all identify at least somewhat with the idea of being trapped in the womanly stereotypes – whatever end of the spectrum they fall into.

The feminist movement in all its many facets has done a great deal for us. But in some ways it has created more of the same problems it was fighting against. Now instead of just one house matronly mold to fit into, we have a few choices, but only a few. In fact, for some feminists, there is still only one, the direct opposite of what we were before.

I was recently talking with my beautiful sister about this. Many of her ideas would be considered quite “feminist,” but she herself struggles with those that look down on her because she has chosen to be a stay at home mom. How dare she decide to stay at home when women have fought for years to gain the right to leave the house!! But wasn’t the point to gain the right to leave the house? I thought it was about having more choices, not changing the one option.

I love many things about being a woman. I love dressing up and feeling beautiful. I love my part in the sexual relationship. I love chatting and hanging out and caring and nurturing. I even think maybe, just maybe, I will enjoy being the carrier of our children. But I HATE that my gifts seem to go unused on a regular basis. I have the gift of organization and administration. Basically, I know how to tell people what to do to get things done. And I can usually come up with a dozen ways to make things run more smoothly and efficiently.

My struggle is that I don’t seem to fit any mold. I am not happy just staying at home; hate housework, am bad at cooking and will go crazy if not allowed to leave at least once a day. But I don’t really like the usual options for work either. I’m not career driven in the sense that I will do whatever it takes to get ahead and make more money. No, I just want to be fulfilled. Isn’t that what we all want deep down? Whether we find fulfillment in or outside the home, that’s all we are looking for. Unfortunately, I haven’t really found it in either place!

So where does that leave me?

Comments
on Jul 29, 2007
I was just checking your site to see if you wrote anything since your welcome blog!

I think we women do get screwed in so many ways and it's not bloody fair. You're right, the church has a lot to answer for in the light they put women in, quite a pridicament. So does the feminist movement, I agree. I'm a bit of a feminist myself, in that I believe a woman has rights and should do whatever the heck she wants to do, freely without feeling guilty about it (although most times we do feel guilty!) and I'm also conservative in thinking because there are standards that have been imparted to me by my parents and so I find it hard to step away from them and frown at those who I see shun these standards!


I feel your predicament about fulfullment. It's something that we who have not discovered that which is our destiny seems to be in search of continuously! At my age, you would think I would be more settled. I'm still searching for me, although I must say that I have found a lot of me over the last three years! I know where I want to go, now I'm trying to get there. While doing that, I have three young minds who depends on me, that takes the focus off of my own self discoveries, so it's a constant battle of wills, they win 99% of the time!

You have the gift of organization and administration, you know how to put things together, solve problems by the sound of it, have quite a gift as a leader, you sould down right beautiful to me! Hey, wanna come to my home?!lol!

You don't have to fit a mold, who says you have to? I know, I know, society, church, the media....to heck with them I say! I think one of the things we women are discovering for ourselves, little by little, is that we DO NOT have to fit a mold! We don't all have to be size 0s, we dont' have to be great cooks, and homemakers, we don't all have to stay home with the kids, we don't all have to work, we don't all have to be able to sing and dance and whatever else someone else think we should! We just have to be ourlselves, and do what's best for us. It's not always easy of course, and it's easier said than done, but we are our own worse critic and that my dear is our downfall! Oh can I identify with that one! We're always striving to live up to some ideal and forgetting what is really important, YOU, you're important. That's the one thing I try to remember, even when I feel like an absolute failure (and these days, I do a lot believe me!) But I wont' fill your blog with my stuff, wait, I did already!!

Take it one step at a time, enjoy the things that you discover that gives you pleasure and try not to let other people's expectation overwhelm you! Nice article!


on Jul 29, 2007
PS, good grief, my apologies for that mini-book response...I do that a lot!lol!
on Jul 29, 2007
PS, good grief, my apologies for that mini-book response


No need to apologize! I really appreciated your response. What you said meant a lot. And somehow knowing that others struggle with the same thing is sometimes enough. I am actually in the process of reading several books on this subject and will probably end up writing a lot more about this...I would love to continue to have your input!
on Jul 29, 2007
The lyrics to Bethany Dillon's song resonate deep within my heart. My husband burned a cd for me on our second date, and it was a hidden track packed full of meaning. I cried all the way home as I listened to the words. Your blog is profound. The church has caused as much harm as it has good. Too bad . . .
on Jul 29, 2007
No need to apologize! I really appreciated your response. What you said meant a lot. And somehow knowing that others struggle with the same thing is sometimes enough. I am actually in the process of reading several books on this subject and will probably end up writing a lot more about this...I would love to continue to have your input!


Thank you and I'm glad! Ha, talk about books, I have a few of them myself! Looking forward to reading more!



What does being beautiful mean? Look in the mirror, straniera. Look in the mirror and love yourself. Don't allow others to set the standard for you, don't compare yourself to those around you, and don't ever strive to be like them. When a woman reaches the point in her life (and many never do) where she is no longer dependent on the opinion of others, when she is able to recognize her self-worth without arrogance, when she can forgive herself her own shortcomings as easily as she forgives others theirs, that's when she becomes truly beautiful, and that radiance shines through any and every permutation of physical attractiveness or lack thereof.Just my opinion, of course, and we all know what that's worth, hahah.


Isn't she just so smart? Hey, don't sell you short either!
on Jul 29, 2007
When a woman reaches the point in her life (and many never do) where she is no longer dependent on the opinion of others, when she is able to recognize her self-worth without arrogance, when she can forgive herself her own shortcomings as easily as she forgives others theirs, that's when she becomes truly beautiful, and that radiance shines through any and every permutation of physical attractiveness or lack thereof.


I guess that is where I am trying to get. I don't struggle too much with the outward beauty thing. I mean everyone does to some extent, but I am not really obsessed with it. My main struggle is figuring where I belong.

Other people's opinions really do matter to me, in the sense that I want them to see who I am and think I am worth something. I want to be considered valuable as in "We couldn't do this without you," or "You were the perfect person for this job," whether it be at work, at home, or at church.

I have an incredible husband and a loving family so I really don't have a lot to complain about. I also know in my mind that I am God's special child. I just need to figure out how to know that in my heart of hearts!

I have nothing good to say about churches, although I've met some wonderful people in them. That benefit always seems to eventually overshadowed by the larger sense of hypocrisy, petty one-upsmanship, and backbiting that goes on within them, and while I miss the sense of community one gets from regular attendance, my relationship with 'God' is far more important, and I'll not have it tainted further by any sort of organized religion.


The church has its problems. Made of up screwed up human beings it is bound to be screwed up in some ways too. I haven't given up on it though. I figure I should stay around and help fix it! I need the sense of community and honest caring about one another. We have found that at our new church. Not to say that everyone is perfect, but we have found a group of people who are honestly seeking to follow God and to minister to one another in the process.

Thanks so much to all of you for your encouraging thoughts. I look forward to further corresponding with you guys on this and other topics!
on Jul 29, 2007
Has it ever occurred to you that you are, at this very second, exactly where you belong? Do you not trust God to put you precisely where you ought to be at this moment in time?


Yes and no. I believe that and in some ways I know why we are physically where we are. But right now all I am doing is sitting around at home playing online. And as much as I have loved JU so far, it isn't really purpose giving. Part of the problem is just being lazy. I would rather whine about not having anything meaningful to do than to go out and find something!

I have this desire to do something really worthwhile. We are coming out of years of ministry where I felt like all my effort was worth something. Now I am trying to figure out how having a "normal" job (or as is the case at this moment, not having one at all!) really contributes...I'm not really sure I can explain it.

Dang I am a really complicated person!! I don't even understand myself sometimes...pity my poor husband!

You seem very wise little-whip and I look forward to bouncing more ideas off of you.
on Jul 29, 2007
I agree with LW, you have a wonderful way of writing.

As for what you are going through, I hope you are able to find a place in your life
that is very comfortable and satisfying...whether it's in the home or in the workplace. Serenity already said what I had in mind...and that is not to fit into a mold that someone wants you to be in. Just be your own person, follow your own heart, and hope that it leads you to somewhere that is right for YOU.

on Jul 29, 2007
I agree this is a profound, well-written article that most other women (and maybe men too!) can relate to. It is definitely feature-worthy.

I feel like I have found my purpose in motherhood. In fact, I wish I hadn't wasted time going to college. I missed precious, life-shaping time with my children while I was out working and going to school, chasing a piece of paper that I thought would prove my worth.

I have discovered that I don't HAVE to prove my worth.

I love staying at home, but I am not great with the whole house-keeping and decorating thing. I try but it never seems my home is as inviting as those of friends and family I visit.

I just spent some time staying with family, and I really enjoyed staying with my brother and his wife. They have an apartment, but it is really cozy and comfortably decorated and well-kept.

I actually made a list of items and cleaning/decorating/organizational practices I wanted to "steal" from my SIL and have started putting those into practice.

One thing I won't do, though, is wash out my plastic baggies. Can you believe my crazy SIL does that?!?

Anyways, enough about me. You will find your purpose in time. Most likely when you stop looking for it, hehe.

Great article!
on Jul 29, 2007
Wow. I don't know what else to say. That was incredible and brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the vote of confidence. As we said in Italy Solo Dio Sa, only God knows.